Seven ways to make it through seven years of marriage

Let's take two completely different people with completely different ways of doing life, join them together, throw in some kids, say "good luck!" and then pretend like marriage is a happily ever after!

Nope, didn't work too great for me.

Marriage is hard y'all! Even though we have (almost) official past the average length of a marriage in North America (scary) it doesn't mean it's all roses and chocolates from now on.

Marriage is hard and there are a million reasons why but maybe it's simply because we like to find excuses why things are hard instead of just accepting their difficulty and then putting in the work.

Marriage is hard (did I say that already?).

Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking why would someone who has ONLY been married for seven years and clearly does not have it all together feel like they are accomplished enough to give out some marriage advice and to that I say; you are right. I have no marriage education or amazing experience, I have not been through some sort of traumatic marriage event that makes me an expert (although I am married to Daniel).

I am not an expert but I have learned some things that may help you as well.

Speak Kindly

The biggest lesson that we are (still) learning is how to fight. Cause we fight friends, ooooo we fight! When it's heated or we are annoyed and tired and over it, those words start flowing and when that tap is turned on it's hard to turn it off. It's real easy to fling unkind words at someone who you know everything about but, for me, speaking kind words doesn't come as natural. What would it look like if we spoke words of kindness to each other more than we accused or demanded or nagged each other? What would it look like if I spoke to my husband the same way I did when we were just dating and getting to know each other? Everything would change. Speak kindly.

Like what he likes (even if you're pretending)

Do you remember before you were married when you actually wanted to impress your future spouse, wanted to get to know them, understand them and possibly even sat down and watched all SIX Star Wars movies in one sitting because that's what he wanted to do and you just loved him so much (no? just me?). Why do we stop doing that after marriage? Why do we stop being interested in what they are interested in? Why do we go to a completely imaginary space in our head and smile and nod politely while he's talking about the next movie? When did we decide it was ok to stop wanting to do what each other liked to do? Be interested in what they are interested just like you were when you first met.

Know the love languages

My love language is acts of service (although I totally thought it was chocolate cake) and Daniel's is words of affirmation. I suck at encouraging and giving words of affirmation and Daniel's not great at acts of service. Get where I am going here? Marriage brings together two imperfect people who are selfish and stubborn and then expects said two people to live happily ever after. Although this is not an easy reality it's totally possible and knowing the love languages has been so key for us. I have to be intentional about praising and encouraging and speaking words of love to my husband (especially for the little stuff) and he has to be intentional about "doing" stuff for me. If not, we both feel unloved, unimportant and that snowball starts collecting lots of stuff as it rolls down the hill. Know what your partner needs to feel loved.

Click here to take the love language quiz!

To love AND to cherish

Cherish - to protect and care for someone and/or hold something dear. Love - an intense feeling of deep affection

In our marriage vows, we said we would do both - love and cherish all the days of our lives. Love is that feeling of deep affection that we get when everything is going great and the world seems to be turning the way we want it to. Cherish is what we need to do when that feeling of love is not as strong - it happens. Love is a feeling and that feeling isn't always as strong as that first time you laid eyes on each other. That's why we say love AND cherish. Cherish is caring and protecting and lifting up and putting them before ourselves and valuing and being devoted and holding dear and serving one another. Yes, feeling love is a choice we need to make but cherish is that thing that we promised to do every day even when we don't make the choice to love. Learn to really cherish each other!

Accept differences (booooooo)

Do I need to say more? Daniel and I are very similar in some ways (both second-born children) but boy o boy there are differences, differences that were blinded by the dating fog of skittles and rainbows and started jumping out at about day 17 of marriage. We come from very different backgrounds and families and have different ideas about traditions and think differently and like completely different activities and have different ideas of where dirty clothes actually go and where the dirty dishes should be placed (dishwasher Daniel, the DISHWASHER). Accepting and seeing your spouse as the fearfully and wonderfully made child of God that they are not only means you are accepting differences but you start to love and show grace just like Jesus (disclaimer - this does not mean you can leave your dirty dishes in the sink and say "just accept me for me"....)

Have a vision

What do you want to accomplish in your marriage? Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 50 years? How are you going to get there? Having a vision means you have a shared common goal to not just get through marriage without killing each other but actually have a purposefully and meaningful relationship that sets out to accomplish something. Maybe your vision is to be images bears of God and impacting others through your own relationship. Maybe your vision is to have a peaceful marriage and family and home. Maybe it's to show the love and grace of God to each other and those around you. Four in ten marriages end in divorce - set a mission and vision for your marriage so something else doesn't take over and sets a vision that you never wanted or intended.

Pray. ALOT.

Finally, pray for each other. Please! I am so guilty of not doing this or when I do pray for my husband it's something like "please help him understand that he bugs the crap out of me and change him". Spoiler alert - God never answers that prayer the way you want Him to. Praying for each other doesn't necessarily change each other but it does change you. Knowing that the one person who knows you best, who knows your flaws and weakness and deep desires are approaching the throne of God on your behalf is beautiful. Pray for each other consistently and I promise your marriage will be drastically different because YOU will be drastically different.

So here's to 7 years and 7 things I've learned. We have messed up more times then we have got it right. We have done and said some of the worse things to each other but we have also shown love and grace over and over and over again. That's what marriage is. It's not a feeling or a beneficial agreement it's a decision that even though I want to punch you in the face right now I am going to cherish you, I am going to speak kindly, accept you and pray for you every single day.

Accept it's difficult, know it's worth it and work on it every single day.

Marriage is hard, but with God firmly at the center that love and cherish thing will start to get a little easier, then harder, then easier again.