Head vs. Heart

What happens when your heart and your head don't line up?

I mean, we've all had those mom moments when our head tells us to make that two-year old pick up his toys but your heart says to not worry about it, he's sick and over tired. Or, when your heart says "yes we need another family pet" but your head says "get real!"But what I really mean is those big life altering decisions you know, the ones that completely and drastically change the course of your life. What happens then? What happens when we are completely torn? What happens when our hopes and desires for life don't seem to match up with God's purpose and plan?I believe in a higher power. I believe in a God that created, planned and loves me. I believe in a God who gave me free will to make my own decisions but, like a parent, tries to lead me down the path that He knows is best for me. I also believe in a God that calls people to devote their lives to try to show others His love, power and grace. I believe this not because of something I read or was taught to me as a child, I believe this because this is my story.I was a Registered Nurse with big dreams to work overseas with my man and a few kids in tow. I wanted to help people - specifically moms and babes. I worked in Labor and Delivery as well as the NICU (and the ER but that was just to fulfill a life long dream of working with George Cloney and kicking butt...check!) I planned on continuing my education and fulfilling that overseas dream ASAP but quickly learned that maybe that wasn't the path for me.I had a moment. Not a crazy mind altering, fireworks, loud booming voice from above moment. Just a simple moment. I felt something telling me there was another path. A path that I was very excited about at first but quickly learned that it was a path that was not as smooth, well manicured and perfectly polished like the one I created.I had a choice. Although there were moments when I didn't feel like I had a choice I did and I chose the path that I felt my heart pulling me towards even though my head was screaming "No - you had such a good plan"I've been "in ministry" (as we "in ministry" call it) for 6 years now. we've moved twice and have had two beautiful babies and I don't regret that decision I made but (just being straight up with y'all) I really don't think my heart has caught up with my head and most days they just don't line up. My head says that I want to stay at home with my kids and be a full-time mom, completely devote myself to them on all levels. It says this was never your plan - your plan was way better. It questions my happiness and "continentness" with this life I call mine.So here I am - a tug of war between the head and the heart - my plan and His plan.

So what do we do?

Luke 9 is the story about when Jesus called His disciples to follow Him. I'm not going to go into the whole chapter but there is one specific part that challenges me every single time. Here's what it says;Then he (Jesus) told them (His followers) what they could expect for themselves: “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?Jesus was (as usually) laying it down and calling people out. His followers had dreams and desires like me, they had things they wanted to do first like me, they struggled with the whole "leave everything, take your cross up and come down my path" idea. But than Jesus says what good is it to get everything you want (follow your dreams and desires) but not actually be the real you...So friends, if you are not quite sure who the real you is, if your are frustrated in this head and heart tug-of-war or maybe you are desperately trying to figuring out what your plan is know this; you're not alone.Figuring out God's will is hard and confusing and usually it's not a big obvious moment that makes you know without a doubt what you are supposed to do. There are so many things we don't know.I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep, I'm not sure how God is going to use me in this crazy stage of babies and figuring out life, I'm not really sure who this "real me" is, I'm not sure why I was called into this life of ministry, I'm not sure where I will be in 5 years, I'm not sure when (or if) my head and heart will line up.But there is one thing I am sure of:

My God knows both my head and my heart.

So I will keep pushing on, trusting that small voice, walking through whatever door (or window) is opened for me and hang on for the ride all while trusting in His promise.Who knows - maybe our heads and our hearts are not actually suppose to line up. Maybe its in that tug of war we truly discover God and His perfect purpose.