For the mommas who feel like failures.
This one is for the mommas who never feel like they measure up, who feel like their kids are perfect little failures and it’s obviously all your fault.
Let me start by saying one thing; you need a Saviour and your kids do too.
Our North American culture has a real weird way of measuring success as a parent.
Our culture calls you a great parent if you can get your babe to sleep through the night, switch them to a bottle asap or potty train them all before the age of one. They tell us that my measurement of motherhood depends on how well my kid sleeps, eats, or adheres to various cultural standards (that change every second) and if your kid doesn’t adhere then don’t worry, there’s an expert or a program to help with that!
I have struggled with all of that far too much for far too long. I have felt shamed by others for simply choosing a different path and have carried that shame like a backpack constantly weighing me down and making me feel like less then and not enough.
And I am so tried of it.
So let me tell you what I wish someone had told me; Your kids ability to sleep, eat, talk, walk, poop or sit still is not a reflection on your ability to parent.
I’ll wait while you read that again and let it digest.
So now that I got that off my chest, let’s dig into this idea a little more through a biblical worldview.
One of the main points of the whole Old Testament is to show that God had a beautiful plan for His people and His people just kept screwing it all up. He gave gifts and laws and miracles. He sent prophets and helpers and flood. He tried everything to get His people to understand just how good He is and just how much they needed Him. But, just like us today, the people wanted to go their own way and do their own thing (spoiler alert - that never ends well)
So, to greatly recap the Old Testament in way too few words - God created humans, humans messed up, God needed a ‘once and for all’ kind of saving plan. Enter the New Testament. Finally, after 400 years, God sent His ‘once and for all’ saving plan in the form of a baby because His people needed saving.
And absolutely nothing has changed today - we still need saving.
There is nothing we can do to earn that saving, it only comes through Jesus. The acknowledgement of that followed by the acceptance of His grace is what changes our lives.
It’s the only thing that can change our lives.
And why would that be any different for our kids?
The Bible tells us that we have all sinned (Romans 3:23) and that it is only by grace we are saved (Ephesians 2:8-9) and that Jesus is the only way to heaven (John 14:6) and that is the reason God sent Him (John 3:16). It also tells us that we must put off the old way of living (2 Corinthians 5:17) and die to self (Galatians 2:20) with the help from the Holy Spirit (John 14:26).
I don’t know about you, but I have tried to do a lot of that on my own. I have tried to change behaviours without seeking God and the Spirt and I have failed 10/10 times.
I have learned, dust myself off and then tried to force change upon my children in the same ways that I’ve failed.
So let me repeat what I said earlier, we needed a Saviour and our kids do too.
And I was not that Saviour.
So, how do I parent my children in light of their need for a Savoir in a culture that tells me that if I can’t make them adhere to standards then I am a failure.
First off, we need to see how backwards that is. If we believe that only Jesus can save and change yet carry that heavy burden for our children by ourselves then we have gone completely against what the Bible has taught us. Only Jesus can save. It’s going to be hard but we need to release ourselves of our culture’s view of ‘successfully motherhood’ and wrap ourselves tightly in what God desires. That means showing more love and grace then we know exist, it means working hard to train our kids in the ways of Jesus instead of the ways of the world, it means disciplining for things the world may not discipline for and releasing what the world may not release. It’s hard work to train up a child but it will only be 10 times harder if you train them in your own power and not through the power of the Holy Spirt.
Second, we need to brush up on the biblical standards and discover what God wants me to produce in my kids. It’s not great sleepers or fantastic cleaners or brillant children or early poopers. What God wants you to produce is children full of fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That doesn’t just happen. They need to be guided and taught and told and redirected and redirected again. But if your goal is to produce a great sleeper who has no love or gentleness then all you got is a kid that sleeps, not a child trained up in the way they should go. You get me? Know deep in your soul that you are raising a passionate Jesus follower and everything else will flow from that.
Finally, we need to teach our kids why + how to change (and maybe ourselves too). “Because I said so” is a common phrase out of my mouth when I have lost all patience and have swayed my eyes from the goal. Although there is no shame in the “because I said so game” it really does absolutely nothing for no one. We need to build a firm foundation for our children where they understand what God wants from us and why we want to give that back to Him AND the tools He has given us. Enter the Holy Spirit (because ain’t nothing gonna change without it). If we are constantly telling our kids to change because we want them to meet our needs then we are completely missing the point of being a Christ follower - we meet His needs and are obedient to Him in response to His great love for us. Sure, I would love a full 12 hours from every kid every night but God doesn’t require that so I ain’t gonna force it. But, when one of my boys is being unloving towards a brother we will talk and redirect towards how God wants us to act and ask the Holy Spirit for his help to change our behaviours. Because I can talk and redirect or even yell all I want but nothing will change without the Spirit in our hearts and minds and souls and working in our littles.
So, Coles notes version: God’s way (although unpopular) produces better outcomes then cultural parenting views. God’s way is probably harder because there is no expert that you can pay $700 to do it for you or a step by step “do this and your kid will stop hitting” biblical guide. But, when we define parenting and success and change through the biblical lens we understand that we are the guide and the holy spirit is the hammer. There is nothing you can do to “make” your kids good or “make” you successful as a parent but there sure is someone you can rely on.
How freeing it is, as a mom, the rid myself of the responsibility and firmly place my eyes and my kids on Jesus.
Because we can’t create Godly character in our kids, that’s God’s job.
His grace is sufficient for you (and your kids) His power is made perfect in your weakness (and willingness to step aside) and we keep our eyes (and our parenting goals) fixed on what is unseen because what is seen (smarts and sleep and….) is temporary but what is unseen (producing fruit) is eternal.
Take off the parenting standards of the world and put on the power of the Holy Spirit.
You are not a failure. You are a loved child of God raising loved children of God.