Three things you must do before you throw out the idea of submissive wife.
If you know anything about the bible or have read anything specifically about marriage you have probably heard of Ephesians 5 and the whole "wives submit to their husband" thing.
Hardest. Thing. Ever.
But, as my years of marriage have gone on and my desire to understand how to apply the gospel to my everyday life has increased I have learned just how important it is to understand the instructions in Ephesians 5 and what they really mean. So here we go.
First thing first. Men and women are different. We just are. It's science. I know that this issue is a little bit up for debate but when we remove cultural ideas and standards and assumptions and just look at the science we know it’s true.
Don't believe me - just have a look at your spouse.
Still, don't believe me - well here's some of that science (I love science!)
In males, fat gets deposited between organs. In females, it forms a ring around the abdomen. (yeahhhh)
Females are significantly better at distinguishing between shades of various colors than males. (ever tried to explain a paint color to your husband?)
Males process less of the bonding chemical oxytocin than females
Blood flow is more evenly distributed in the male body. In females, it is concentrated around core organs and the pelvic region. (we are more prone to cold feet and hands)
Females tend to have verbal centers on both sides of the brain. While males tend to have verbal centers on only the left hemisphere.
Women are, as a group, better at reading facial expressions of emotions than are men.
Men and women were created with equal value and worth but with some obviously and science based differences. And differences are not bad. In fact, we desperately need differences in order to work together and fulfill the great commission. 1 Corinthians 12: 25-26 shows us exactly why we need differences
The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.
Marriage is no different. And, when done right, our marriages our little bodies of Christ showing the world how christians are to function together and point everyone to God.
Once we grasp onto the idea that God created men and women to complement each other and work together beautifully, just like the body of Christ, with their own unique and equally valued skills and abilities then we can start to understand some of the biblical instructions we find in Ephesians 5 a little better.
So here’s three things you need to do to be a submissive wife;
1. Read a bunch of different versions of the bible for better and diverse understanding
NIV -Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.
MESSAGE -Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.
KJV -Wives, yield to your husbands, as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. And he is the Saviour of the body, which is the church.
See how different they can be? Find different versions. Read them for yourselves. Don't choose one over another and throw it out. English is a super tough and weird language that never translates great and often loses some of its original meaning. If you are really into, look up some of the Hebrew and Greek words to even better understand the authors intent. One of my very favourite translations for submission is Hebrew שלח which means “bring near”.
Study the scripture, write down all the different words and meanings and watch how a “updated” and “not applicable” scripture becomes alive and extremely relevant for today.
2. Decide that anything good is worth sacrifice
I hope you are like me and you are in a good and healthy marriage. But let's not get fake here, good and healthy marriages mean there is fighting, tension, disagreements, nights in separate bedrooms, confusion, frustration, thoughts of "what have I done?". Marriage is not meant to be perfect.
But marriage is meant to be sacrificial
We let the other "win" the fight or admit we are wrong. We break the tension by apologizing first. We solve the disagreements or different point of views by compromising. We seek to solve the confusion and frustration even if that means being open to changing ourselves. We are humbled when our faults are revealed by our spouse and throw away the pride when we feel push to call out one of theirs in love. And every time that thought of "what have I done" crosses our minds we look at our marriage certificate and remember we married the right person because his name is written right there. We sacrifice ourselves and our constant need for “me first” because we know that marriage is one of God’s primary tools of personal change and growth.
I believe as women we are created, wired and called to be in tune and sensitive to what is happening with our husband. I believe we play a crucial role in creating an emotional stable household so it is a peaceful and refreshing atmosphere where we can focus on the things that matter most - relationship with God, each other and our children.
I believe we are leaders in our relationship with our husbands.
I believe we are the smoke alarms of our homes and marriage.
I believe God created women because men needed us.
I believe that all of those require sacrifice.
I believe that sacrifice is worth the kingdom reward.
Instead of fighting for something that's probably not worth it (like a comment that was made or the fact that he majorly tailgates) submit, give in and move on, don't sweat the small stuff.
Instead of criticizing, critiquing or wishing he was different; understand and support.
Instead of nitpicking, nagging, trying to keep up with the Jone's or make everything look perfect and get mad when you realized he is not; yield. **which actually means give way to arguments, demands, and pressures**
Instead of distancing yourself to always serve our own individual wants and needs - cultivate a relationship that can be described as “bring near” and stay connected on a emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level
Makes sense?
Is your husband and your relationship with him not worth submitting, understanding, supporting, bringing near and yielding?
I think so and I hope you think so too.
3. Read the WHOLE scripture and compare it to the narrative of God’s character.
We have this really bad habit as Christ-followers to read one verse take it exactly how it is and call it a day. I mean if we only read "wives submit to your husbands" and read nothing else then we would all be mad and have no idea what it actually means.
If you look at verse 1 and then jump down to verse 25 you'll see stuff like this:
submit to one another
be courteous to each other
husbands, go all out in love for your wives
love by giving not getting
husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church
love your wives like your own body
The whole of Ephesians 5 is about unity. Being united as Jesus followers in the church, our our marriage, parenting, work, homes and wherever we go. Unity is the key. Unity is what holds us together. However, wherever there is proximity there is conflict because closeness cause conflict. This is why Paul is trying to help the people and groups who are in the closest contact understand how to stay close so they can do the kingdom work.
Submission is all about putting the needs of others ahead of your own. But today’s culture doesn’t place a very high value on others. Today’s culture teaches us that “I” an the most important person in the room at all times and my thoughts, ideas and needs are always right and always need to be meet. But take a quick scan of the bible (or maybe just read John 3:16) and you will quickly realize that “I” is not a character trait of Jesus but sacrifice and submission most definitely is.
Read the entire scripture. Understand that everyone has a role to play in submission and get to know the character of God the father and Jesus the son. Then put all that information together to better understand what “wives submit to your husbands” really means.
…….
I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that if my husband loved me like he is supposed to then I would do what I am supposed to do. I hear you. I see you. You can’t change your spouse by shaming them. You can’t change a situation by acting the same why the other party is acting and expect change. And here's another spoiler alert, someone has got to make the first move.
Still not convinced about this whole submissive thing. It's completely fine. There are days when I am not too convinced either. There are days when I don't even want to be in the same room as my husband and days where I don't feel like he gives enough to me so why would I give to him.
But that is why this section of the bible is entitled "Instructions for Christian Households". It's because marriage is hard, relationships are hard, we are flawed imperfect and selfish people so maintaining a Christian household is hard and we need a bit of wisdom on the best way to have Christ-centered marriages and homes.
We are different and that us good.
We complement each other and work together as one body.
We submit to one another because submission is a hug part of being a Jesus follower
We yield to our spouse because unity and not being right is the goal
We bring near to each other because our marriages are designed to make is holy and point others to the kingdom.
We love sacrificially because He loved us sacrificially.
It's a journey, its a process but it's our calling - stop listening to how the world thinks women should be, act and think and starting owning our unique beautiful, biblical purpose (maybe we can talk even more about this later!)