Giving up Control
Some of you are going to read this and think I am literally insane and need to seek immediate help. Others are going to completely relate and understand where I am coming from. Then there is going to be a whole bunch of you in the middle who can see both sides of the pancake but bare with me.I'm a "closet non intentional" control freak. No that is not a medical diagnosis and yes I made it up but either way its pretty real for me. I don't set out to control everything, nor do I really want to but that just seems to be the way things work out, or, the way I have worked things out.I am SO guilty of being that person who does things themselves instead of delegating or allowing someone else to take over, or even help really. I'm not sure when it started, and I am sure I could blame it on about a million different things; maybe there is some deep dark childhood moment that made something click, maybe its that time my big sister locked me in a closet while I was looking for my pink tea set spoon, maybe its because I fell down my dad's guitar as a baby or because my mom use to take like 27 hours to get the pigtails ever so straight for school pictures BUT its more then likely a learned behaviour over the years or a mindset of "I am literally the only one who can do this the way I want it done" (although isn't it easier to blame our stuff on others?)When I had my first baby, Maverick, I was one of those super stupid and naive people that believe my child was actually going to sleep...let's just say I learned my lesson. When I couldn't control him, his sleeping habits or the fact that I literally wanted to have a bath that involved more then my big toe in the water I kind lost it. I put him on a schedule that I researched and thought worked best for me and downloaded an app that tracked everything (sleep, food, poop) and for some strange reason thought I would figure him out...dang you google!Any of you who have babies know that babies have their own ideas. I remember countless times sobbing in his bedroom while rocking a wide awake and ready to party baby thinking to myself "the schedule says he should be sleeping now". I can still picture my poor wonderful husband standing outside the room with the light from the bathroom streaming in desperate to help, offering anything and everything but being denied by the crazy lady who knew everything. This went on for a while, a long while.Flash forward a year later and to be completely honest, not much had changed. We had just arrived at our new home, everything was in chaos, there was absolutely nothing I could do. (one cannot set up a complete home in the matter of hours, trust me I've tried) The only thing set up and ready to go was my sweet babies crib with all his blankets and pillows. I rocked him to sleep (I literally rocked him to sleep until he was 21 months old....21...) laid him in his bed, let go of the fact that my physical surroundings were in chaos and embrace this wonderful messy life I was living.Guess what. He slept. He slept all night.I gave up control of this sweet babies routine, schedule and surroundings and he gave me the one thing I had been craving for in almost two years. A full nights sleep.Fast forward again another 8 months and Daniel and I found ourselves pregnant again. Well we intended for this to happen so I guess we didn't "find" it. We have been blessed with fertility - I mean he looks at me funny and I get pregnant kinda fertility (too much information?) We were thrilled, scarred, full of joy, maybe a little worried but a whole lot of hope. Hope for the new life we have been blessed with, hope for the future of this tiny perfect child and hope that things would be different this time.Let's jump again to June 19th 2017 when our little one came fast and furious.**Side note: Maverick had to be induced due to high blood pressure/pre eclampsia/on bed rest for 8 weeks and momma's going crazy. So, to a certain extent I even controlled his birth - I was THAT good!**Asher Tiberius came early, with no warning and no control on mommas part and oh how sweet it is to hold that precious child, to know that he is finally here and to know that life is gonna get a little more joyful, a little more fun and a little more crazy. I was determined to make this time different, I was determined to enjoy every second, to go with the flow, to have no tears, to share the responsibilities with my hubby, to let him in this time, to give up control and I believe I have done ok.Things have been different, things have been relaxed and we are so enjoying our time and I've seen things be so much better. But then tonight, as I came home from a later night out doing kettle work I've realized that not all had changed.I was rushing through my work, trying to get home as soon as possible to help with the bedtime routine and getting upset about the amount of time the work was taking. I drove home (probably faster then I should - is that correct grammar?) and rushed into the house to find two clean, bathed and ready for bed happy little boys, one completely fine husband AND a scooter.Well what did you expect you may ask. Well I expected a 5 month old that was freaking out because he hadn't been fed in like an hour, a two year old who was in complete destruction mode because dad was dealing with the freaking baby and a dad who would be so happy to see me because he was unable to handle what was happening. Boy was I wrong. Boy have I underestimated my husband and overestimated myself. Life goes on when I am not there, children survive and probably have more fun when I am not there, my husband is a completely capable father even when he doesn't do things my way.It was a lesson for me. And I know you all are like "duh" but some of us are slow learners. Some of us control everything to the point of ruining the fun. I mean, would I have let my two year old scooter around my house? Probably not. Did it ruin or hurt anything? No. Did he do something super fun and crazy with his dad and little brother. Yup.That's what matters. Not me. Not the way I think things should be done.Joy, love, and adventures - that's what life is all about.Tonight I am thankful for two happy and healthy boys, a husband whose love never fails and a Saviour who teaches me everyday.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 94:19
