Come sit on our couch

When did this general sense of feeling like a crazy person begin? Not sure exactly. I could blame it on my mom but that would just be way too cliche, I could blame it on my husband because every time he looks at me with that blank stare I want to punch him in the face (see, a little crazy). I could blame it on my pug who barks every time she sees a leaf blow across the lawn but ultimately, I have no excuse, I am just a little crazy.

I think the biggest thing I struggle with is feeling like a crazy person. I literally feel like I am the only person in the world who cries every time I see a baby born on TV, or when Sassy comes over that hill in Homeward Bound or at the end of The Greatest Showman or when Spider-Man comes flying back after the snap. I feel I’m the only one who loses it every time my 5-year-old hits that stupid fork on the table and makes another dent. What about when the paperboy throws the paper at the end of my driveway and I can’t NOT not drive over it because its right in my way. I know, I’m crazy.

There are very few times that I have felt normal or accepted and almost every one of those times included a cup of something, a cozy blanket, a comfy couch, a good cry and that one (or two) people who just get me and what I am going through. I can probably count on one hand the number of times this has happened in my adult life but nevertheless, when it happens, it’s beautiful.

So friend, if you like me and feeling a little crazy, a little overwhelmed, a little over what's going on in the world and deprived of a good cry on a couch moment lean into this story because I know there is someone out there who is with me.

Being a mom and wife was the life goal but when the wife and the mom thing fell into my lap I had this feeling of “k, cool, what next?”. I didn’t feel that instant fireworks and crazy attraction to my husband when we first meant (sorry D, you were wearing a ketchup suit) and when they placed that little slippery baby into my hands I was more relieved that 6 weeks of bed rest was over then overwhelmed by those sweet blue eyes. All this to say, it didn’t come easy, naturally or without a lot of bumps and when I say bumps I mean like Everest-sized mountains.

So, here I am almost 9 years into wifing and 6 years into mommying and I am just finally starting to figure a few things out (insert Madea’s “Hallelujer”). I am not really sure if there was a defining moment that caused this change but I do know there was a big old slap in the face.

There were four people in my marriage, God, me, Daniel and Iris. I know I know, your like “Bhreagh, that’s kinda weird” and 5 years ago I would be like “I know right”.

Whose Iris you may ask? Well, Iris was our counsellor, our “don’t pull that crap with me I’m gonna call you out and tell you how it really is” kinda counsellor.

Yes, we had a marriage counsellor. A marriage counsellor that we left behind with this previous move and a women I actually miss.

Iris told me at one of our very first sessions that I wasn’t that great of a wife or a mom and that Daniel was a bit of a jerk (I mean it’s paraphrased a bit but you get the idea right?).

She was totally right.

Our marriage SUCKED before Iris. I mean, we made it look good and all but really we were struggling. We were struggling because we didn’t connect well with each other, we were struggling because we were stressed, we were in competition with each other and we never worked together as a team, we had no mentors or role models, we had hurt, we suffered alone, we were horrible at communicating and then we decided to have a few kids cause, why not right?

Remember when I said I always feel like a crazy person? Well during those first 3 years of marriage we went at it alone. We would fight and feel like we were the only people to fight, we struggled and felt like we were the only people who struggled, we were bad parents and felt like the only people who ever made bad parenting choices. We felt like crazy people because no one sat us down on the couch, made us feel like the normal people we are and offered some tissue to go with that cup of tea.

I’m scratching the surface here but do you see where I am going with this right?

Marriage is hard.

Being a family is hard.

Iris saved us.

Well, my husband who was wise enough to seek God, connect us with Iris and then made me go saved us. Iris made me feel crazy because I was. She made me face the hard stuff that was making me crazy and then, with a whole lot of tea and tissues, sat us on her couch and helped us learn the way. Without her even knowing, she opened a huge door for our marriage and family, pushed us through (while we were completely unwilling to go ourselves) and saved us.

Here's the thing. God has a really specific design for marriage and has laid out a real simple way in Ephesians 5 filled with mutual submission and sacrificial love. Unfortunately, people have grossly misinterpreted, abused and down right misunderstood this beautiful design God has for marriage and have decided that it is wrong, completely out of date and not at all what the author intended.

Guess what. Just because someone or you or the world has decided that something is wrong doesn't actually make it wrong. We push back so hard against God's design that we have found ourselves so far away from what He intended and sitting on a couch of a counsellor trying to find our way back.

Trust me. I had it all wrong and I have slowly found my way back while embracing His word and embracing the crazy.

So friend, come sit on our couch, I have lots of different types of tea and I am usually out of tissues but have rolls and rolls of toilet paper that you can use to wipe the tears or wipe the face of your spouse after you throw the tea at him in anger (disclaimer – I have never thrown tea at him but there was a tambourine incident) and hear this;

You are a little crazy.

But there is absolutely nothing that you have gone through, you have done, or you have experienced in your marriage and family that will shock or surprise me.

Nothing.

We are all imperfect human beings trying to live, love and co-exist with another imperfect human being who, more than likely, is the COMPLETE opposite of you all while raising little humans who yell, scream and freak out out whenever I take that stupid fork away from him. We find ourselves in this big pressure cooker of life and if we don’t stop, sit on that couch and get ourselves some tools for the tool belt it will explode.

So find yourself an Iris.

Read a good book on marriage or parenting (need one? I have plenty to recommend)

Set a vision for your marriage and family

And find yourself a good cup of tea, a roll of toilet paper and a comfy couch to breathe out the crazy and breathe in the grace.

Friend, I really hope we can sit on the couch together someday and laugh at all the crazy but for now just know that you don’t have to do crazy alone.

And remember,

Read your Bible. See what it says about marriage. Give yourself grace, give your spouse grace, give your kids grace and then give yourself some grace again.

You are not alone. You are not (really) crazy. God has such a beautiful plan and design for you. Embrace this hard life, stop trying to outsource or make it easier and watch the the old burn into a pile of ashes and see how God truly raises beauty back up.